Even though my parents had always owned canines, it had never occurred to me that I would own one of my own. Until that memorable moment in my life, cats had been my domesticated animal of choice. Felines had always seemed so independent and easy to look after. But, surprisingly, that was about to change. Squatted down in a mound of old blankets next to my brother’s dog, I watched as she struggled to give birth. It’s a memory that is as crystal clear and unforgettable as the arrival of my own child. The thrill in the air was like touching a Tesla coil in science class, making the fine hairs on my arms stand on end.
       It was as if the power had been sucked from the room, like breath caught in my throat. The lights were all off and only a dim flickering of illumination came from the room next door. The dog smell was almost overpowering in that little space. It reminded me of the many times we’d washed our parent’s dogs as children. 'You can have first pick of the litter,' my younger brother had told me. He’d only days before found out she was pregnant with her brood. That was an exciting honor. Since I was a single mother, being able to afford to buy one wasn’t an option. Here he was, giving me one for free, out of the kindness of his heart. It’s the one good thing in my memory that remains of him. Even now, after we’ve parted ways, I remain indebted to him. He gave me something that brought me out of the dark and lifted me into the light.
       Getting a dog had more purpose than just a new pet to play with. Life had not been kind to me. I had spent a lot of time alone in my head, depressed and unable to trust the people close to me. But it is well known that canines have the ability to help restore hope. It had been obvious that I needed a chance to open up and experience love. This was my chance to heal and I couldn’t have been happier about it.
       The wait for ‘Girl’ to go into labour had been tedious, the time stretching on for what felt like forever. When the call came it was late, nearly to midnight and I was at home sleeping. It was like being woken from a dream, almost startling. But we quickly dressed and put the bags into the car. The trip seemed short even though it took over an hour to travel the distance needed to get there. My arrival was greeted with the bitter-sweet smell of freshly brewed coffee. Tyler had put it on in expectant excitement the moment our call ended. Nervousness and exhaustion was something the both of us surely felt. There was no clue to how this was going to go.
       Would there be any males? A female was not on the tables, as a name was already picked out. What if there weren’t any cute enough? Maybe none of them would even survive. Perhaps my brother would change his mind. What then? The endless questions that circled in my head made me anxious, leaving me with the anticipation of being disappointed.
       But almost half an hour and four cups of coffee later, five of the puppies had been assisted from the birth canal. Each little creature was as wriggly as the last. With their tiny ears, and pink noses they reminded me of seals dragging themselves up onto a wet sandy beach. But it was the sixth pup that caught my eye the most. It was a fat, angry male with a bristling white stripe down between his eyes and nose. Even before the birth of the other six, I knew that this was the one.
       ‘Bushido’, he was named aptly, after Anis Ferchichi who went by that very pseudonym throughout his career as a rapper. He was a rough, dangerous looking man with a strong personality that had been easy to grow fond of. Even without knowing him in real life, I felt like I had a bond with him. The male sung mostly in German. Despite never having learned the gruff language, the mood of his music was almost always felt. The songs that made me feel strong and protected were now personified in this tiny body that fit snugly into my hands like a fuzzy, loudly squawking peach.
       Feeling as proud as if it had been me who had given birth to him, it was easy to gaze upon him in astonishment. He was mine. After his mother had tiredly cleaned him off, he was picked up and placed safe and secure in my palms for the very first time. To me, he was lighter than any kitten I’d had the pleasure of being able to hold. The happiness that was felt only made him feel as light as a feather. He was my little ‘Schemetterling’, my butterfly, and my best decision yet. I could feel my heart practically leaping into my throat, bursting like fireworks on the fifth of November. Yesterday a cat person, today a cynophilist, a person who has love for dogs. Never to look back, he would be my best friend forever, it was already decided.

I don't know what you expected life to be like. Think of the world you saw around you, did you really think it would be any different? No, you knew didn't you? Dreaming about another life was just so much easier for you to deal with. If you didn't think about it, then maybe everything would be okay. Maybe if you just pretended for a little longer, the shouting would stop. Maybe if you closed your eyes hard enough you'd be taken away somewhere that you could dance and live your life in motion.
       But I hate to tell you this, they should have told you this sooner. They forgot to tell you. It's never that easy.
You can't just pretend everything is okay when it's not. You need to tell someone, talking always helps. You think you're happy like this? Wake up. It's really time to wake up, look at everything you're missing out on. This isn't happiness, this is being safe, this is you not wanting to FAIL. Let me tell you something, you're not a failure, far from it. Sweetheart, look how strong you are. I know it hurts, but hey, fuck 'em. Do you really think that all those people's opinions really matter? Why can't you see, that the only person's opinion that matters is yours.
       It's your life, stop being so afraid to really live it. Don't worry, it's only one step at a time, and I'll be there for you, because the only one you can truly rely on is yourself. You can't rely on others, that's just unfair on them and yourself. What do you gain? Get up, smile and just take it easy, don't rush. We've got plenty of time still, and look at all the things you can fill it with. This is a big step, I know. You're scared, but aren't we all? Please, I implore you, be yourself, no matter the reactions around you. You're perfect just the way you are. Big, small, short or tall. You're beautiful. Any gender, any style clothing and remember, most importantly: smile.
       I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are loved. You do need to learn how to love yourself, though. No one should be that hard on themselves. Also, stop blaming yourself and anyone else. You can't change the past. All you can do is look ahead and avoid the same mistakes. And, hey? You're not going get it right the first time. No one ever does. That's okay, we're only human. What makes us people though, is taking responsibility for our actions and making better choices next time. It doesn't make our actions right, though, and by accepting responsibility for your actions, you're working at righting your misdeeds. Making a wrong decision doesn't make you a bad person, okay? But if you keep running away from everything, everyone gets hurt and eventually it does make you a bad person, by default. Because how will anyone understand if you're not there to explain yourself?
       So fix it, stand up for yourself, be there. Be yourself, and most importantly: don't blink.